I am a Clean Person, and you can ask me stuff: firstname.lastname@example.org
I'm also the author of "My Boyfriend Barfed In My Handbag ... And Other Things You Can't Ask Martha"
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This was one of those posts that I outlined, started writing and then realized was more like two or three separate pieces. “This thing is turning into a monster,” I told my editor. “I LOVE A MONSTER!”
Part Two will be devoted to dealing with hair in drains, then I’m planning to make you A VACUUM CLEANER PRIMER. I know! It’s all terribly exciting!
I have a new column on Swimmingly devoted to alllllll kinds of cleaning problems that couples face. I hope you like it! Got topics you want me to take on? Email me!
Since you really seem to want to tell us (and I have a friend who wants to know), how does one clean her sex toys (silicone, glass and everything in between — this friend really loves her toys)?
Honestly? (Oh now I’m being honest??) It wasn’t so much that I wanted to tell you as I wanted an excuse to go on a reportorial mission to Babeland. Which I did and man oh Manischewitz was it ever fun! Everyone should hang at Babeland, all the time, always. Mama loves her some Babeland.
So here’s the good word, broken down by material type, from the lovely, lovely experts in all things Play Toy:
Silicone, no motor: Soap & water; before first use and/or between bodies or orifices boil for 8-10 minutes (“just like spaghetti!”) to disinfect.
Glass: Soap & water; be careful not to apply extreme heat (“just like a drinking glass!”).
Pyrex: Soap & water; before first use and/or between bodies or orifices boil for 8-10 minutes to disinfect.
Stainless Steel: Soap & water; if your toy has no motor, boil for 8-10 minutes to disinfect before first use and/or between bodies or orifices.
Hard Plastic: Soap & water.
Elastomer and TPR: Soap & water.
Wood: Soap & water.
Stone: Soap & water; before first use and/or between bodies or orifices boil for 8-10 minutes to disinfect.
Jelly Rubber: Soap & water.
Cyberskin: It’s made of mineral oil, so wash with as little soap as possible, if you must use soap at all. Further instructions on the care of cyberskin can be found on the Fleshlight website.
General Tips, Thoughts, Advice from the Babes:
“You can wash a whole load of dildoes in the top rack of the dishwasher. Just don’t use soap.”
“Don’t use anything you wouldn’t put in your body. Dishsoap, rubbing alcohol, bleach …” (Sniffle. <3 u Bleachie.)
Make sure your toys are completely dry before storing them.
If you’re using a toy with a motor that isn’t waterproof, don’t put it under water. Opt instead to wipe it down with a soapy cloth.
Use a condom for easy clean up or when in doubt.
Hard plastic, elastomer, TPR, and jelly rubber are all porous. You must must must use a condom if you are going to share toys made of those materials with a partner.
And finally: “Toy cleaner is great for when you just can’t get out of bed.”
This article originally appeared on The Hairpin on 15 September 2011
Join me TOMORROW at 5p for what I hope will be an amazing and hilarious and informative event at Babeland LES!
Happily, there is a solution, says Jolie Kerr. The author of My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag … and Other Things You Can’t Ask Martha told the Cut she was familiar with the springtime scourge of BIBO, both in her capacity as the internet’s cleaning guru and as a “non-expert and human.”